Jun 05 | CPE Journal #7: June 4th

Today I had a pretty interesting revelation. I noticed that, as I went about the unit and into rooms, I was clutching the Bible I always brought along with my patient list very close to my side. I hadn’t even thought about why; I didn’t even really notice until I shifted the books from one arm to the other and noticed how much it ached!

I ended up mentioning it to my supervisor when I noted that I had been entering rooms with my hands clasped and didn’t like the way it made me look. As we worked it out together, I came to find that it had to do with my closing up, perhaps to protect myself from the strong emotions of others. I came to the sudden realization that just because I was familiar with sadness didn’t mean I was comfortable with it! I am beginning to learn that my emotions are not something to be afraid of – they are neutral things that happen. If I am gentle with them and accept them without trying to shove them down or escape them, I do not feel the same need to protect myself from the emotions of others.

Today some of my classmates and I played at a memorial for a nurse that passed away quite tragically. As we played, I became aware of how hard and powerful the grief in the room was to be with. Instead of closing myself off, I decided to let it wash over me. I opened myself up and allowed the energy to pass through me into the floor. I thought of the crucifixion and living a cruciform life. This is not taking on the shackles of someone else’s pain – we cannot do that. We can, however, allow it to pass through or over us and then roll off us, like rain water.

-Clarity