Aug 08 | CPE Journal #27: July 26th (The Last Entry)

I can’t believe I just wrote that date. How is this possible? I’m finished CPE today!

This has got to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, although when I think back on it I didn’t end up a pile of self-loathing on the bed while my husband comforted me. My emotions were actually explored and turned over like little stones, making it so much easier to actually deal with them.

This process should be 100% essential to those wanting to be ordained. I can already think of tons of people who would love it, find their passion in it, and benefit enormously from it! We need more scorched people in ministry. :)

I really am beginning to think more about doing this for a living. I think if I just had a more balanced life it would have been easier. I should have had a more active prayer life. Of course, it would also be simpler to do it without all the class work, verbatims and such.

Yesterday I looked in the mirror and thought of this:

You know what keeps me going sometimes? On the days when I am locked away, staring into my own eyes and so close to falling into my old pattern of shame and self-doubt? The voice of a 92-year-old Irish woman from my church, who was involved in both my pre-discernment and discernment group, a woman who is my hero, who has travelled the world and seen more than I could ever hope to see in a lifetime, a voice that said to me, “No…you’re strong.”

I can’t even really remember the context, but I think it had to do with keeping the faith during difficult times. I don’t remember what I said, but I think it was something like, “I keep the faith because in my mind I don’t have a choice. I don’t think in difficult times it would be my faith in God that would get in trouble.” And just as I finished saying it, others in the group who knew me were agreeing, and this woman nodded, saying, “No, you’re strong.”

At the time, I couldn’t believe that this marvelous woman, who honestly blows my mind every time I look at her, could say this about me.

I feel like I’m finally starting to believe her.

I feel like I’m finally coming closer to seeing who God sees.

“Thank God for sight. Thank God for God.”

***

 After our graduation ceremony, I wrote this:

I’m done, by God.

I can’t believe it.

I have a huge sunburn because two of my classmates and I went swimming in the ocean afterward, and then lay on the beach for a while. I’m glad I did it.

I’m done, by God.

 

Thanks so much for reading my CPE journal! I hope you enjoyed it, and if you’re considering taking it yourself, I strongly recommend it. I really enjoyed working for Providence Health Care. It’s a great organization that prioritizes spiritual and emotional health in a way that few other organizations do. Its Catholic roots are strong and beautiful, and a lot of the ground-breaking work they have done, particularly around HIV and AIDS, is directly attributable to those roots. The spiritual care staff and program is an excellent one. That being said, it’s not the only place you can do pastoral care! You could also try the program at VGH if you prefer. If you’re interested in spiritual care in general, or want to learn more, please check out the CASC website here.

Many blessings,

–Clarity