Dec 06 | The Journey in Slow Motion

I’m going to ACPO.

It’s completely insane to comprehend. I opened the letter with my husband on the phone. I’m not entirely sure he knew why I had to do it that way, but I did. Up until this point (because there is always more around the corner) it was the most important letter I think I’d ever opened in my life.

Of course once I realized what it said I completely broke down. And I can’t even say why. I think, for me, I’ve been so emotional over each affirmation because it seems to confirm not only God’s presence, but God’s pleasure, because with each movement forward I feel more certain of my vocation (and with myself). It’s so difficult to know these things, and I spend so much time afraid of my own ambitions. I spend ages learning (and telling myself) that this is not the kind of work somebody earns the right to do. It’s about being called, and answering. And yet I still struggle with the sense that I will never be worthy of any mission God sets before me, even after visions and affirmation from others and countless papers exploring who I am and where my call is coming from.

It may sound cliche, but all I really want to do is dedicate my life to serving God. I would give everything that I have, even my life, to know with utter certainty that I am doing what God has ordained for me. Of course I will never know in this life, and I think that’s the point, because otherwise there would be no such thing as faith or her sister doubt.

I think both are essential to truly discerning God’s will.

Despite all of the good-natured moaning from friends and loved ones on my behalf (“When are you going to knoooowww?“), I am certain of one thing: that everything has happened at exactly the right time. The 2nd of December (I think) marks the anniversary of my first meeting with my discernment group. It was also the day that I sent in my ministry position paper to be reviewed by the panel that will discuss it with me on December 9th.

And what better time to begin to determine God’s will than the season of Advent?

Whatever happens to me, I will always treasure this season as the one where I began this incredible journey, and I will try every year to remember and celebrate my calling, as Mary once did. And if I do become what I believe I am called to become, I will be ordained by a woman: our Bishop-elect is Melissa Skelton from the Diocese of Olympia. I can’t wait to meet her.

“My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my saviour.”

-Clarity